The Many Faces of Empathy in Autism
Empathy has been called the thread that stitches us together, enabling us to connect, communicate, and care. But empathy doesn’t necessarily present itself the same for everyone. For many on the autism spectrum, how they feel and show empathy is different, and often, their experiences are misunderstood by others.
Some might have difficulty predicting how their behavior could affect others emotionally, while others may be swamped by intense feelings, even those triggered by non-living objects. These variations can create special relationship and communication challenges with neurotypical partners.
Empathy and Responsibility in Relationships
In intimate relationships in general, taking responsibility for oneself is a foundation of emotional intimacy. This is normally something that neurotypical individuals do when they consider how another person might be affected by a word or an action, say sorry when it is needed, and attempt to close emotional distances.
However, according to psychologist Dr. Kathy Marshack, the process can be especially difficult for most autistic adults. This is not necessarily due to a lack of care or intent, but a different social engagement style of thinking. Most autistic adults may not visualize actions, and it will become more difficult for them to understand why their partner is angry or upset and why they may need to apologize.
Phrases such as “What do you want from me?” or “It’s not my fault—you didn’t tell me” can make neurotypical partners feel dismissed or unheard. These are not, however, indicators of emotional detachment. Instead, they are a manifestation of a different interpersonal processing style—one that tends to rely more heavily on direct, explicit reading between the lines or foretelling unspoken needs.
Emotional Bonds with Objects: A Different Kind of Empathy
Autism empathy does not always follow normal social norms. In a few instances, it is conveyed in surprising yet very rich ways. For instance, some autistics feel strong emotional connections to objects. An abandoned toy, a dusty guitar, or a forgotten picture might trigger a deep sense of sorrow or guilt.
One author termed this intense emotional connection to property as more dominant than their emotions towards individuals. To some, things provide predictability and security, unencumbered by the instability and multifacetedness of human feelings. These objects can be comforting but can also cause stress, particularly when having to give up special items or observing them being treated poorly.
Awareness Versus Empathy: Can One Stand In for the Other?
Some people with autism are extremely attuned to their own sensory and emotional lives, even if they have a hard time with typical forms of empathy. One woman explained that the emotional overload that she experienced in her own life made it almost impossible to feel for others, even when she wanted to. This sense of emotional self-awareness, although distinct from empathy, can be an incredibly useful tool for creating connection.
Empathy takes more than an awareness of another person’s emotions—it takes the desire to respond with concern, by apologizing, lending support, or altering behavior. While self-awareness can’t take the place of empathy, create more open, empathetic exchanges.
When both partners, autistic and neurotypical alike, gain a greater awareness of the other’s inner life, they can start to meet in the middle.
Building Relationships Through Understanding
Auristic and neurotypical meaningful relationships, but may need an extra dose of patience, transparency, and deliberate communication. One size fits all—and feelings might look different, even through objects—can minimize misunderstandings and foster greater respect for one another.
By valuing such differences and trying to see things from the other person’s perspective, both partners can develop more solid, more supportive relationships. Empathy can look many ways, but it is always an essential element of any relationship, and learning about its many faces is the first step toward living love, friendship, and connection with kindness.
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