If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you’re always waiting for your partner to arrive emotionally or even physically you’re not alone. Many get trapped in the cycle of hope and letdown, holding on to promises of transformation that never seem to come. It’s a muddled, even painful place to be, when you love someone so dearly who feels just out of reach.
Emotional unavailability may manifest in countless ways, but fundamentally, it’s about a partner who has difficulty with closeness, vulnerability, or commitment. Contemporary psychology labels this as an avoidant attachment pattern, where closeness is perceived as threatening or overwhelming. Those with this pattern may steer clear of meaningful conversations, pull away from expressing “I love you,” or maintain you at arm’s length, even after months or years of being together. Sometimes, you may not even be sure where you are are you actually together, or just circling around each other’s lives?
Knowing about attachment styles can be a lifesaver. Securely attached individuals are at ease with intimacy and can speak freely of their emotions. Anxiously attached individuals need reassurance and fear abandonment. Avoidantly attached lovers, meanwhile, require space and autonomy, usually feeling suffocated by too much closeness. There’s also a mix called anxious-avoidant, where someone wants closeness but then pulls away when they get it. Most people have a blend of these styles, but if your partner leans heavily toward avoidance, you’ll likely feel the distance.
It’s easy to justify your partner’s behavior maybe they’re stressed, shy, or just need time. But as psychologist Guy Winch suggests, it’s not so much what your partner says, but rather what they do. If someone is ten minutes from you but hasn’t seen you in months, or if they vow to change but never do, then their behavior is already saying it all. Hope may make you hold on, but you need to ask yourself this question: What am I really getting from this relationship? Am I getting the connection, affection, and communication that I need?
Red flags tend to appear early, but we rationalize them. Perhaps you have rationalized why your partner doesn’t like meeting your friends, never makes the first move, or never mentions the future. It’s helpful to make a mental list of these problems and the reasons you’ve given. When you find yourself making excuses repeatedly, it’s time to tackle the problem head-on instead of shoving it under the rug.
Making a decision to stay or leave is never simple, but here are some important questions to weigh. If you require a great deal of reassurance, quality time, and intimacy, an emotionally unavailable partner will likely never provide these. Studies indicate that the typical pursuer-distancer pattern where one pursues and the other withdraws is seriously dysfunctional and won’t get better with time. If you are always on edge, waiting for crumbs of attention, or constantly rejected, it is probably timeto leave and gofind someone who is looking to bond and connect.
Others, however, truly enjoy having more alone time and independence. If you have a strong support system, can handle low expectations for emotional closeness, and really don’t take your partner’s distance personally, you may be able to make it work. The determining factor is whether or not your partner will do the inner work reading, thinking, perhaps even therapy to learn to go beyond their avoidant behaviors. Change can happen, but only if both individuals are committed to it.
Ultimately, it’s about understanding yourself and respecting your own needs. If you’re always making excuses for the person you’re with, feeling angry or upset, or putting your own happiness at risk for the possibility that things will become better, it’s probably time to ask yourself: Is this relationship providing me with what I deserve? Oftentimes, the greatest act of bravery is to release and open up space for a relationship that feels loving, safe, and mutual.
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