If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone, thumb hovering over the “send” button, wondering whether you’re about to make a connection or just add another awkward story to your dating history, you’re not alone. Dating these days can feel like a rollercoaster. One minute it’s exciting, the next it’s exhausting. With all the swiping, ghosting, and confusión, it’s not hard to begin questioning whether finding love—or even a decent date—is more hassle than it’s worth. But here’s the thing: dating doesn’t have to feel like a part-time job. There are ways to make the entire process way less stressful—and even sort of enjoyable.
Let’s begin with the emotional storm that is contemporary dating. Others have said it’s a “numbers game” or a “minefield,” and trust me, it’s not difficult to understand why. If you’ve been on a first date within the last few years, you most likely have a cringe-worthy anecdote (or three). There’s pressure to be on your best behavior, fear of rejection, and that always-present sense of comparison, like everyone else knows the secrets except you. But for experts such as Chris Segrin, department head of the University of Arizona’s department of communication, good long-term relationships aren’t typically an overnight thing. They take time, and more often than not involve a couple of clunky beginnings and dead-end detours along the way. Instant chemistry expectations or jumping into conclusions too soon can prevent a real connection from occurring.
One of the hardest aspects of dating is navigating anxiety and self-esteem. Having a first meeting with someone new—particularly when there’s potential for romance involved—is daunting, particularly if you’ve struggled with anxious attachment or self-doubt. But the very same thing that makes dating so anxiety-provoking—the uncertainty—is also what makes it exciting. A wonderful reminder from a set of dating affirmations is this: you’re deserving of love and kindness regardless of the outcome of a date. You don’t have to be liked by everyone. It depends. It’s a blessing, I guess, when someone who isn’t the best for you releases you back to the world. There are so many people out there, and every single one brings something unique.
So, how do you get dating back to being fun rather than something that feels bad to do? It begins with your mindset. Mandy Len Catron, author of How to Fall in Love With Anyone, encourages the idea of dating as a way of connecting on a human level, not as an audition for “the one.” Not all dates must result in a relationship. On occasion, a wonderful conversation or a pleasant afternoon is greater than enough. These authentic, human interactions have the power to make us feel seen and understood, whether or not they become romantic.
Practically speaking, some steps can be taken to simplify the process. Bela Gandhi, a dating coach at Smart Dating Academy, suggests juggling three activities: online dating, meeting people in the real world, and asking friends who are natural “connectors” to introduce you to someone. The secret is not to end up stuck in round-and-round online conversations. If someone’s interesting, aim to see them in person as soon as possible. Dating Unsettled podcast host Joy Ofodu is a self-professed fan of doing a quick video call first—it’s a low-stakes test of the vibe and a way to save time.
It also serves to concentrate on quality rather than quantity. Moe Ari Brown, an expert in love and connection, recommends questioning yourself about what life you desire to create—and what type of partner would fit into that life. Knowing that can serve to prevent you from getting caught up in the limitless choices and maintain your attention on what truly matters most to you.
Of course, not all dates will be perfect. And that’s okay. Myisha Battle, a certified clinical sexologist, actually promotes a little healthy pessimism—not to beat yourself up, but to keep your feet on the ground. Disappointments are inevitable when dating, and having some friends or a support system lined up can make it simpler to bounce back and get on with things without too much emotional whiplash.
Incidentally, a change is already underway. Many young adults—particularly Gen Z—are moving away from dating apps and going back to more traditional, real-life methods of meeting others. Although dating apps such as Tinder and Hinge trended strongly through the pandemic, recent numbers reveal that only a quarter of U.S. users fall between the ages of 18 and 29. Most younger singles are claiming they’d prefer to meet others through friends, at gatherings, or simply just getting around, where it’s more organic and less filtered.
And throughout it all, the worth of friendship, community, and self-discovery continues to rise to the surface. As Stevie Bowen puts it in her memoir, The City of Dating, sometimes the soulmates you encounter aren’t romantic ones—they’re your closest friends. Dating, when it goes right, is an expedition of learning about who you are, what you stand for, and how you wish to be treated. Every cringe-worthy date, every ghosted text, every deep connection contributes to that expedition.
So, next time you’re about to stress over a text or dread another first date, take a breath. Remember you’re doing just fine. Dating is meant to be a little messy—it’s part of the process. And every connection, even the weird or disappointing ones, has something to teach you. Who knows? The best stories often come from the most unexpected encounters.
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