When individuals hear the words “domestic abuse,” physical violence is normally the first thing that enters their heads. However, not every type of abuse leaves marks. Some of the most debilitating ones are not visible—coercive control and psychological abuse that gradually erode an individual’s perception of self. These types of abuse are constructed on manipulation, intimidation, and control, and are usually so low-key that victims do not even notice what is going on until they feel trapped.
Coercive control is not just one bad thing—it’s a pattern. It involves threatening, putting someone down, intimidating, and even physical violence, all to punish, frighten, or overawe a partner. The aim is to dominate every aspect of a person’s life—who they speak to, where they might go, what they wear, even when they sleep. As Women’s Aid explains, coercive control creates “invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life.” It’s like being held hostage in your relationship, where your independence and sense of freedom slowly disappear.
Psychological abuse can be just as destructive. It often starts off feeling like love—constant messages, big romantic gestures, promises that feel too good to be true. That phase, referred to as “love bombing,” is designed to catch someone in or win back a partner after an argument. But with time, the love becomes manipulative. The abuser gives enough niceness or compliments only to maintain their partner emotionally attached, while increasing the cruelty. This approach—also referred to as “dosing”—is a means of maintaining control.
Abusers employ every type of tactic to confuse and manipulate: gaslighting (having the victim doubt their memory or sanity), silent treatment, stonewalling, triangulation (creating drama or turning people against each other), and phone or social media spying. Technology then turns into another means of control—reading texts, following someone’s location, or sending endless messages to exhaust them.
The abuse cycle can be utterly bewildering. The abuser might immediately return to love bombing after a blow-up or emotional assault—apologizing, sending gifts, promising to reform. This whiplash of emotion keeps victims hoping the “good times” will resume. As Solace Women’s Aid illustrates, this strategy is particularly effective because it plays on the very love and trust that were originally offered freely.
The psychological cost is enormous. Survivors are left feeling anxious, isolated, and on edge all the time—a guessing game about what kind of response they’ll receive next. They may come to doubt their value, blame themselves for the abuse, or think they’re lucky to be loved at all. Victim Support says it’s common to develop depression, panic attacks, low self-esteem, and severe loneliness. These are understandable reactions to a wholly bizarre situation. The blame is always on the abuser, never the victim.
The only way to learn how to recognize the warning signs of coercive control and psychological abuse is by knowing what to look for. If a relationship is going too quickly, if someone is being overly affectionate but attempts to cut you off from your friends and family, or if jealousy masquerades as love or protection—these are warnings. If you find yourself constantly changing your behavior to not upset your partner, or questioning your memory or instincts, it may be time to step back and take a closer look.
The abuse has a ripple effect that doesn’t end between the two. Children who see this level of control and manipulation suffer as well. They can end up with anxiety, depression, sleep problems, or poor grades. They might believe this level of relationship is what it should be and have a higher likelihood of becoming a victim of or perpetrating abuse themselves in their relationships, according to a warning issued by the Office on Violence Against Women.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, understand that there is help available. You don’t need to report it to receive help. Some groups provide confidential guidance, safety plans, and support to assist you in getting ahead. Abuse is never anyone’s fault. Everyone is entitled to feel safe, be respected, and be free within their relationships.
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