Subtle Signs of Control
The very first warning sign of an unhealthy relationship is often the subtle, hard-to-detect signs of control. These don’t typically shout “manipulation” initially. It could be that awkward comment regarding one of your friends or your partner becoming a bit irritated when you plan something without them.
Perhaps they want immediate responses to all messages and become offended if you don’t reply immediately. These things may seem insignificant at first, but they can evolve into much more dangerous patterns of control over time.
Emotional Instability and Black-and-White Thinking
Another red flag is when a person jumps between emotional poles. You may be complimented one moment and belittled the next, usually for reasons that seem confusing or unpredictable. This type of all-or-nothing thinking—where you’re either great or terrible, with no in-between—can cause a great deal of anxiety.
It’s particularly prevalent in relationships where one partner has intense insecurity or characteristics of borderline personality disorder. With time, this can mean you’re always second-guessing yourself, never able to quite get it right.
Manipulation and Gaslighting
Manipulation does not have to be overt. It may appear as lengthy silences when you’ve gotten under their skin, guilt trips, or theatrical apologies following a heated explosion.
One of the most hurtful types is gaslighting—when your partner makes you doubt your memory or your account of what has happened, or even apologizes for things that were not your fault. This can erode your confidence over time and make you feel lost, uncertain, and excessively responsible for their feelings.
Discomfort With Money and Autonomy
At other times, how money is managed in a relationship can expose underlying issues. Perhaps your partner wants to pay for everything, even when you offer to chip in—or perhaps they always want you to pay. Judging remarks about your spending, income, or financial decisions that leave you feeling judged or uneasy can be some of the first signs of an imbalance of power. These aspects may not look serious initially, but they can be components of a pattern that destroys your autonomy.
Walking on Eggshells and Fear of Conflict
If you catch yourself overthinking everything you say and do so that you don’t ruffle your partner’s feathers, something’s wrong. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them so that you don’t set them off into a bad mood, an argument, or a shutdown.
That tension has a way of building up over time and eroding your confidence. A healthy relationship should be safe, not walking through a minefield.
The Idealization-Devaluation Cycle
Some people begin relationships that feel like they’re almost too good to be true—full of praise, attention, and intense emotional connection. But once that high wears off, it gets replaced with criticism or coldness. You may swing from feeling as though you’re everything they’ve ever wanted to feeling like you’re always disappointing them. This back-and-forth between being lifted up and then knocked down can leave you feeling confused and exhausted, always trying to win back the love you started with.
Feeling Unsupported or Taken for Granted
In a good relationship, both individuals encourage each other. But if the love or attention of your partner vanishes the second you fail to meet their expectations—or if you find yourself constantly giving and never receiving—it’s an issue. You might start feeling like your contribution goes unnoticed, or as if you’re always working just to keep things level. That’s not the way love should feel.
Advice on How to Defend Yourself in Toxic Relationships
If you’re noticing some of these tendencies in your relationship, do take care of yourself. Begin by not taking the fall for something you didn’t do. If your partner attempts to blame their behavior on your ADHD, anxiety, or any other aspect of your life, don’t go for it. You’re permitted to exit a relationship that’s harming you, even when you did your best to salvage it.
Steer clear of arguments that only go around in circles, and follow your gut—confusion and frustration are normal reactions when something’s not right. Most importantly, recall that your actions and intentions are what you’re answerable for. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and respected.
Related
